Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who feels like this and that's why I'm going to put it out there:
And it's all in my head.
I have an anxiety disorder that makes me feels crazy. I *know* when I'm feeling overwhelmed by driving or that my life is all wrong that it's not true, just my brain playing tricks on me, but unlike a normal person it doesn't make it any less real.
Yes, I'm in therapy.
Yes, I am probably going to have to take meds for the rest of my life to keep that constant feeling like I'm about to turn a corner and DIE at bay.
I'll be fine on a med for more than a year and then I'll get hit by a bicycle (long story) and the next thing I know, I'm completely bat-shit crazy again. My doctor will raise th dose and I'll feel sick, nervous, have muscle pain, weakness, sleeplessness, nausea.... and still be anxious.
This is something I'm going to have to deal with my whole life. Sometimes I just want to throw a temper-tantrum and complain about how unfair it is (which I guess I'm doing right now). Mostly, I want it to be my secret because no one else seems to have this problem. I don't really want people to see me like I see myself: broken, flawed, not in control, unstable, unhealthy (mind and body, right now I'm convinced I'm F A T , at 133lbs).... I can only see the negative parts of my life. I'm mad at my dad. I'm mad at me. I want a dog. Nothing I've done is good enough or will ever do will ever be good enough.
My goal is to live a healthy life with work/life balance, healthy relationships, financial health while maintaining my physical health by putting good things into my body and giving it the exercise and rest it needs to keep it and my mind functions the best they can. These are my goals and most the time I feel like I do a pretty good job working on them. I need to give myself a break and get me to a doctor to fix my meds because I feel like CRAP.
And I'm so nauseous.
There's nothing worse than being sick to your stomach, feeling fat and wanting to eat about 4 avocados worth of guacamole and wash it down with a bottle of white wine. Wine+ Guac is not going to help me get closer to my goals of a healthy mind and body.